I didn’t mean to hurt anyone when I went into depression. It was sudden, like when all the lights go out during a really bad thunderstorm and for a moment you stand there wondering what the hell happened. Unlike that situation depression doesn’t have circuit breakers that need to be turned on, or however that works. I panicked in the dark, so afraid at not being able to see anything. I lashed out at things that brushed against my leg or touched my arm, not knowing what they were and only knowing how to react out of fear. I put my mom through hell. I’m so sorry mom.
And then I just stopped feeling afraid. I actually stopped feeling anything at all. I didn’t even know it was possible to not feel anything. It’s quiet. And frightening.
I scared so many people, pissed off most, with what seemed like an uncaring, uninterested attitude. But really, I just couldn’t feel anything and I hadn’t realized how much of what I did and said depended on how I felt until I stopped feeling. The lights are back on though and right now it’s the repercussions that are dealing the hardest blows. I left a lot of destruction in my wake. People HATE me because of how I was. They hate me. They look at me and then walk away. I want to die and cry at the same time when they do that. I was the happiest person in the world when it struck, I never even saw it coming. I didn’t mean to hurt anyone.
And I’ll never go back there. I won’t allow myself to be lost in the dark again. I’ll kill me.
But besides people hating me everything’s okie doke now so no worries!
pushcake 